Reiko's Journey

You may remember that Max used to scour Amazon to create an annual holiday gift list of things that you never knew you needed. The kind of stuff that gives cringe a bad name. I bet your life was full and complete without those lists but in anticipation of Black Friday shopping, Reiko has decided to bring back the Amazon Bad Gift List (ABGL) and inflict her poor product choices on the unlucky few who view this blog.

1. Gummi Bear Anatomy Puzzle

First on our list is a “gutsy” choice. It’s a 4D Gummi Bear model that leaves the purchaser to figure out exactly what the 4th D is, other than depressing. With this educational masterpiece you, too, can learn how to perform a prostate exam on a snack food. This clever puzzle toy is sure to entertain your child for hours while traumatizing them for a lifetime. Think of this item the next time you are in the grocery checkout line eyeballing those enticing packages of chewable candy. Can you hear the screams of the Gummi Bears, Clarice? Well, lube ’em up.

2. Personal Pudding Pouch

I think we can all agree that stashing your pudding in your pants is gross plus it picks up all that pocket lint. Here’s the solution! A personal pouch that is guaranteed to keep fresh a generous amount of pudding all day as you run errands, go to church, walk the dog or attend couples counseling for your cat hoarding behavior. Includes a handy ladle to help chug down the delightful paste. Made of environmentally friendly plastic lined with ziplock technology, this is sure to please all but the diabetics on your holiday list.

3. Partially Eaten Baloney Sandwich Graphic

OK, we admit that 26 bucks for the picture of a partially eaten baloney sandwich is a bit spendy but considering the actual price of a baloney sandwich nowadays, it’s a pretty good deal and if you are really cheap, please note that smaller sizes are available. Baloney-ette size you might say. But I wouldn’t. Just think of all the places you could hang this graphic. No, really, keep thinking because we have no idea where to put it. What can you expect from a company called Wallmonkeys?

4. Plant Urinal

This promises to be a big hit with all the guys out there. Tired of those pesky bladder interruptions during the big game? No problem, just sidle over to the wifey’s begonia and let ‘er rip. With patented UroGrow technology, just few beers will ensure that that your blushing philodendron (Philodendron erubescens) will blush, your lucky bamboo (Dracaena sanderiana)will win the PowerBall, and that wandering jew (Tradescantia zebrina) will stay put. It’s said to be useful for gals, too, but the exact mechanics of that are baffling.

5. Handmade Rude Cat Coasters

The perfect holiday housewarming present for people with too many indoor cats. And you know who you are. Puts the crotch in crochet. Enough said.

6. The Original Float-A-Poo

Environmentally sensitive waste disposal is a challenge. Just heaving the residue over your neighbor’s fence is quick, easy and cost effective but threatens social repercussions. As you already know. Enter Float-A-Poo, a complete system for making dog poo disappear forever. Untraceable, convenient and downright hilarious as you watch Rover’s nuggets soar to the stratosphere only to land…where? Make it a game and let the kids come up with their best guesses! A kind of Dora the Explorer for canine droppings. Helium available for separate purchase. Works on cat crap, too. Wave goodbye to waste issues forever.

7. Live Adult Madagascar Hissing Cockroach

Who doesn’t love a live, ginormous hissing cockroach underneath the Christmas tree or slowly roasting over a Hanukah candle? For under 12 bucks you can skip the bunnies and chicks, the adopted puppies and kittens, the budgies and hamsters and give your loved ones what they really want, a cockroach so large it turns out the light, walks into the kitchen and demands dinner. We’re talking a Gromphadorhina portentosa which everybody knows is the absolute Cadillac of hissing cockroaches, the n’est plus ultra of arthropods, the badass of bugs. Get two and you may have a shot at breeding a few billion more in your pantry.

8. Taxidermy Octopus

If living cockroaches are overwhelming, perhaps the gift of a stuffed octopus would satisfy your picky Aunt Nellie or Uncle Bunky? No, not stuffed as in calamari stuffed with halibut, we’re talking a real taxidermy octopus. As the Amazon website says, it’s a GREAT GIFT for fans of taxidermy and aren’t we all, really? Of course it says also great for “fans of animal skulls” and that recommendation leaves me with more questions than answers. Oh sure, you’re thinking “this is useless” and you’re not wrong but look at the ad – over 200 were sold in the last month alone. Meanwhile, you couldn’t peddle your grandmother’s china at a garage sale, so stop mocking.

9. Squirrel Finger Puppet

Reiko-chan said we needed something for the dogs. She doesn’t much care about these sartorially excessive rodents but other dogs do so here’s your chance Miss Doggie Owner to secure a present that will entertain the pooch for years to come. Simply slip on the pieces (in any order you like, we’re not judging) and quickly reach towards your dog while making loud screeching noises. Watch the reaction and then visit Urgent Care to treat the wounds on your hand.

10. Inflatable Unicorn Hat For Cats

Finger squirrels for dogs. (Wait, that’s not an instruction.) So, of course we need a cat gift and this inflatable unicorn hat is sure to please the finickiest of felines. It even says “Cats Love It” which is proof. The trick might be getting the hat on the cat as Dr. Seuss’s slow cousin might say. Band-Aids are available for separate purchase. WARNING: there have been incidents reported of cats so shamed by being forced to wear this hat that they volunteered to become strays.

11. HORK

Let’s start with the description: a “hybrid realistic animal toy – mix of shark and horse.” On what deranged street in Guanxoiuhou is a horse/shark combo considered realistic? And…why? Just…why? And as for the “Amazon’s Choice” recognition, how many contestants were there and how bad were they that they lost to a HORK? This one has us shaking our heads but it certainly qualifies as “unique” and you probably have someone you’d like to give this to just to ruin their holiday season.

12. Roast Beef Bath Bomb

Guys – wouldn’t a warm, fragrant soak in the tub feel good right now after all the stress of the holidays? And nothing beats a soak in au jus. Actually, just “jus” if you want to be pedantic. Here\s a roast beef sandwich bath bomb that promises a soothing experience that will simultaneously freshen you up and whet your appetite. Add a root beer bath bomb or a glass of wine if you’re hoity-toity. When you’re done, your dog will love you and will lick you for hours. Your wife might take a big bite out of your butt, Or maybe vice versa.

13. Xmas Tinner

We know it is a major hassle cooking that fancy holiday dinner. Relax, babe, just order up a delicious and convenient can of Xmas Tinner for each family member and guest. A luscious vertical stack of turkey, cranberry, stuffing, ‘taters, gravy and more awaits you and your can opener. Everyone can choose where to start their culinary experience and discussing the creative ways to lay out your dinner on a plate will keep the group amused. Be sure to also order our multi-pack can opener set so no one has to wait!

14. Cheese Printer

Did you know that a Polaroid photograph and a slice of American cheese are exactly the same dimensions? The clever folks at Henri Remoulades knew that and they crafted this elegant cheese printer that allows you to quickly and simply transfer your favorite snapshots on to a slice of cheddar or swiss or even pepper jack if you don’t mind people looking like they have terminal acne. USB charging with the included cable and the CheeseApp© will let you link to your camera photo gallery. Not recommended for blue cheese, camembert or limburger.

15. Gold Santa Trophy

Our last gift suggestion goes to every one of you dear readers who actually made it to the end of this silly post. You deserve an award for putting up with all this crap, baloney, wonderful advice. So here’s your participation trophy just like the kinds you won at school. Everybody gets something, nobody’s a loser and all that other mumbo-jumbo. Put it on your tchotchke shelf. Alternatively, since it’s made of a very soft plastic that will melt easily, you may want to stick it where the sun don’t shine.

And that does it for this installment of Reiko’s Bad Gift List. With luck, there may not be a Christmas/Hanukah edition of last minute gift ideas.

Hopefully you’ve found inspiration to go out there and get something truly unique for your beloveds. If not, there’s always alcohol. For you, not as a gift.

Snorf.